Photo from Pres. Obama's former Senate website
Everyone always dreams of getting super powers and using them in the eternal fight for good (or, in some cases, fame and fortune). But what if it wasn’t about the BIG issues? What if you could just use a super power to help in day-to-day life?
Now, everyone will jump to powers such as being bullet-proof for police officers, or having water powers for fire fighters, but that’s still a bit on the heroic side. What we’re talking about is practicality! With a little Twitter crowd-sourcing, we’ve compiled a list of super powers and the day-to-day jobs they could be practically applied to. Feel free to add your own in the comments!
- Super Strength: Fruit Pickers – instead of relying on those tree shakers, one person should smack the ground and all the fruit comes down
- Super Speed: Postal Workers – Would make the daily rounds go a lot faster
- Weather Control: Elementary School Teachers – the ability to turn off the rain when it’s time for recess
- Elasticity: Plumbers – who needs a rooter device when you could just reach down a pipe and clear the clog?
- Phase Shifting: Electricians – nice to be able to re-wire a house without knocking a lot of holes in the walls
- Clairaudience/Super-hearing: Librarians – like they don’t have it already
- Flight: Roofers – saves a lot of time going up and down the ladder
- Multiplicity: Daycare Workers – when the kids start going a little crazy, there’s always someone around to help
- Accelerated healing: Florist – makes working with roses all day a little less intimidating
- Acid Generation: Blue Jeans Maker – ’cause acid wash is coming back, baby!
- Animal Mimicry: Zoo Keeper – for those days when the Bonobo is sick, but the crowds still want to see poo flung
- Echolocation: Caddie – always find your client’s golf ball no matter where it landed in the rough
- Invisibility: Movie Theater Usher – catching those camcorder pirate will be a piece of cake now
- Invulnerability: Crash Test Dummy – the job, not the band
- Kinetic Absorption: Football Linebackers’ Coach – they can grade tackles very subjectively
- Merging/Combining: Wedding Planners – the caterer and coordinator combine to become the minister
- Self-detonation or Explosion: Stunt Man – makes the effect budget a lot cheaper if the stun man blows up without additional pyrotechnics
- Sonic Scream: Quality Control in a Glass Factory – it’s not the wavelength, it’s the frequency
- Superhuman Breath: Barista – steam the milk with a straw
- X-ray Vision: TSA Employee – might make the lines move a little faster
- Telescopic Vision: Tornado Chaser – because the school teacher got the weather control
- Wallcrawling: House Painter – no more scaffolding
- Waterbreathing: Pool Cleaner – for that hand-washed look
- Astral Projection: Museum Docent – saves a lot on new shoes if you don’t actually have to walk around
- Empathy: DMV Employee – it could revolutionize the service
- Telepathy: Waiter/Waitress – Your glass of water would always be refilled… until you weren’t thirsty anymore
- Animation: Housecleaner – efficiency the likes of only Mickey Mouse could imagine
- Darkness or Shadow Manipulation: Black & White Photographer – anyone could be the next Ansel Adams
- Density Control: Kevin Smith – then he’d never get kicked off another Southwest flight
- Disintegration: Busboy – ensuring clean plates down to the molecular level
- Elemental Transmutation: Pawn Broker – every gold chain is 24 carat
- Gravity Manipulation: Personal Trainer – you’d only need a bar and one pair of dumbbells for a complete weight training facility
- Light Manipulation: Real Estate Agent – then every house could have “great afternoon light”
- Magnetism Manipulation: Supermarket Shopping Cart Wrangler – get along little doggies
- Mass Manipulation: Carnival Game Runner – win the “guess your weight” game every time
- Molecular Manipulation: Short Order Cook – make sure the plate of grits that’s been sitting waiting for 10 minutes is still hot when the waitress shows up
- Probability Manipulation: Dungeon Master – because you never want your players doing TOO well
- Radiation Manipulation: Animal Rights Activist – you could save the cat every time
- Time Manipulation: Tax Accountant – take on more clients and spread the work out
- Air and Wind Manipulation: Air Traffic Controller – constant headwinds make for quicker take-offs and landings
- Cold and Ice Manipulation: Bartender – no need to put ice in the shaker
- Earth Manipulation: Organic Farmer – watch out, Monsanto
- Plant Manipulation: Topiary Artist at Disneyland – talk about a dream job
- Electrical Manipulation: Prison Guard – keep the prisoners on their best behavior by dimming the lights, and then humming “another one bites the dust”
- Fire and Heat Manipulation: Furnace Repairman – “Sorry, sir, but it seems to be working fine now”
- Water and Moisture Manipulation: Spa Attendant – it’s a sauna, it’s a steam room, it’s a sauna, it’s a steam room
- Illusion: Politician – sometimes the jokes just write themselves
- Shapeshifting: Car Salesman – when the first guy goes to “get his manager,” can you really be sure it’s a different person?
- Summoning: Valet – make sure the right car shows up immediately
- Telekinesis: Bowling Alley Operator – just in case the pinsetter breaks down
Special thanks to the following for their suggestions: John Madden, Luke McKean, Jenny Williams, Chuck Gamble, Matt Blum, Matt Rower, Matt Middleton, D.A. Schweiss, Bactchan, Joshua Miller, Nathan Barry, floax, Lorri Miller, kpereyra (my 1st autograph!), and Jonathan Liu.
Much of this list of super powers was culled from Wikipedia.
